|
Buy domains for just $1.99 then make money with them here. |
|
SEE END FOR OTHER SITES
CONTENTS;
SOUL OF THE WHALE
THE MOVES
THE BOARD
At the moment I have only got three poems here, and although there
are one or two more, I have no plans to add them, as so many people just do not
seem to understand my sense of humour. Tramps is very amusing, in my opinion,
but when I went round with a badge saying ‘fight poverty, throw a brick at a
tramp’, people threw fits! Literally. One person even yanked it off my lapel
and dropped it in a pint of beer! The prose tramps says we should round them up
and throw them in an old quarry, and pelt them to death with housebricks, and
that the worst of them should have targets painted on them to make them easier
to hit. Just what would these people make of that?
Someone at Lewisham council sent me a letter telling me that my
letter to them was obscene, and that if there was any more, she would instruct
her staff not to open my letters. All I did was write on a form that asked if
there was any special reason why I shouldn't have to pay poll tax was 'whores
and drink cost money'. Sometimes I wonder why I bother!
I remember once years ago, walking home from
Lewisham, and coming across a dead pigeon. I had the amazing idea of kicking it
along the ground as though it was just another piece of litter, and you just
wouldn't believe the response I got! Within yards, two people had thrown fits.
A lorry driver pulled up and the man driving it screamed out "Oi, what do
you think your doing". I tried to explain, but I was laughing, and I don't
think I made much sense.
If Monty Python's dead parrot sketch is funny, why isn't it funny
when I kick a dead pigeon along the ground? Have I missed something? It's got
to be at least as funny as stumbling on someone having sex with a dead body,
and don't tell me you wouldn't die laughing if you chanced across someone
frantically going at a dead body. And why not? The 'victim' wouldn't be in a
position to complain, I mean, she or he would be dead, unless of course the
perpetrator had made a mistake and the body belonged to someone having a nap.
I wrote Soul of the Whale, and started Dark Side of the Muncher
about 4 years ago, while learning to use a PC at Action for Employment in
Lewisham. As the elephant murders someone, maybe I should have called it The
Dead Human Sketch? Even with the narrowest banner ad, this first page will
probably go over to a few lines above Muncher, and as different computers and
printers put different numbers of words per line, it would not be possible to
fix it so that many people get a neat printout. You would be well advised to
left click and select, and print pages individually, which would still leave at
7 the number of pages needed. Print preview under file may give you the
impression that this page will not fit on one page, but it should do if you don't
select the banner ad. If you get extra blank lines with Netscape Navigator, use
Internet Explorer, presupposing Bill Gates has allowed you a choice. Muncher
has exploded to 9 verses in a very short space of time, and prints out best
with 3 verses on each of 3 pages. The last 3 verses are a tight squeeze, but
the majority of set ups should manage it. I had to rearrange the last four
lines of the 9th verse into 3 lines to enable this, and have put
comma’s where the ends of lines should be. Soul of the Whale and The Big Tree
should be printed on one page. 3D chess should print out on 2 pages. To do
this, select down 4 paragraphs to above the queen, then from the queen to the
end.
DARK SIDE OF THE MUNCHER
HEPHALUMP
A
MAGNIFICENT MAJESTIC MUNCHING MACHINE
A
MARAUDING MONOCHROME MONSTROSITY
A
MISCHIEVOUS SCRUMPER
CLAD
IN CRUMPLY RUBBER BLUBBER
GRUFF
GRUMPY GROSS AND GRUMBLY
A
GRIZZLY GRAPHITE GOLIATH
A
FEISTY COLOSSAL
FIBRE
FUELLED FOSSIL
A
TESTY TOWERING TERMINATOR
OF
TREE SHRUB AND GRASS
YOU
HEFT SHUNT AND MANOEUVRE
YOUR
SINUOUS TAPERING HOOVER
THROUGH
JUNGLE FOREST AND SCRUB
HUFFING
AND PUFFING
AS YOU
PLUNDER AND GULP
VEGETATION
BUNS AND BANANAS
ELEPHANT
IRON
FIRE AND SCREAMING STEAM
A
RESONANT ROGUE RECEPTACLE
DRIVEN
BY A ROILING SCARLET STREAM
A MEGALITH
GROWN FROM MUSCLE AND BONE
A
MONOLITH FORGED FROM LIVING STONE
AN
ANIMATED GRANITE LEVIATHAN
A
GRUESOME GROTESQUE
OCTOPUS
BURLESQUE
A
MISSING LINK
TO
LONG EXTINCT
MALEVOLENT
MASTODON AND MAMMOTH
FEROCIOUS
NEMESIS
OF
NEANDERTHALENSIS
BIG
BELLIGERENT BEHEMOTHS
THAT
BELLOWED LIKE INSANE
DIESEL
POWERED TRAIN
A
DEAFENING CRESCENDO
A
DEMONSTRATION OF POWER
A
DEMONSTRATION OF PAIN
A
GHASTLY GOTHIC CACOPHONY
A
CHILLING BELLICOSE CHALLENGE
A
GHOSTLY GUTTURAL REFRAIN
HEPHALUMP
A HARD
GRAVEYARD GUARD
A SEETHING
SURREAL SENTINEL
SHROUDED
IN DAMAGED DAMP CEMENT
A
CEMETERY STATUE
CRUMBLY
CRACKED AND SPENT
ANTIQUATED
AND ABLATED
PRIMEVAL
AND DATED
AN
IMMENSE SENSITIVE SENTIENCE
FROM
AN AGE OF LIMITLESS LUSH RAINFOREST
TOUGH
TOOTHY TIGER
AND
HUNGRY HOMINID HUNTER
VICIOUS
SCHEMING BRUTES
THAT
TRACKED AND DESPATCHED
BUTCHERING
THEIR BODIES
TO
MAKE STEAK STEW AND SAUSAGE
TODAY
IT IS A MANS TURN
TO BE
HUNTED AND SHUNTED
TODAY
A MAN WILL BE GORED BY A TIMELORD
STOMPED
GROUND AND POUNDED
BY A
MACHO RAMPAGING MOUNTAIN
FOURTEEN
THOUSAND POUNDS
OF
ROUGH HEWN SLATE
ANCIENT
PRIMORDIAL ANGER
AWESOME
PREMEDITATED HATE
PRIMED
AND READY TO KILL
READY
FOR THE RITUAL
READY
FOR THE THRILL
THE
REPUGNANT RITE OF PASSAGE
THAT
RIPS TEARS AND SMASHES
THE MAD
FRANTIC DASH
THAT
REDUCES A PERSON TO TRASH
HEPHALUMP
A PRIMITIVE PLODDING PRIMA DONNA
CALCULATING KEEN AND MEAN
NOT IN THE LEAST CONCERNED
AT THE PROSPECT OF CAUSING A SCENE
ITS ELONGATED ACCESSORIES BURNISHED
TO A GLEAMING ALBINO SHEEN
HIS GRITTY BLACK MUD PACK
ESCAPING BACK TO EARTH
AS A DRY DRIZZLE OF DUST AND CRUST
HIS TRUMPET WARMED UP AND READY
HE STANDS HIS GROUND
IMMOBILE UNMOVING
MAKING NO SOUND
BURNING TO GO BERSERK
YEARNING
TO GET TO WORK
HEPHALUMP
DULL WEATHERED LEAD
WITH A VULCANISED TREAD
A VORACIOUS METAL JUGGERNAUT
WAITING
AT THE GATE
FOR
ONE OF THE SAVAGES
TO
KEEP A DATE WITH FATE
WAITING
FOR IT TO WANDER WITHIN RANGE
WAITING
TO CORNER IT
WAITING
TO POUNCE
DULY
PROVOKED
IT
WILL INFLATE
THEN
UNLEASH A CRAZED JAZZ ROAR!
CHARGE!!
THEN
MOW HIM DOWN
WITHOUT
PITY OR PAUSE
FLATTENING
HIM LIKE A HOPELESS HARE
THAT FAILED TO HOP FROM HALOGEN GLARE
THEN BACK UP AND STOMP ON HIM
TILL ALL THAT REMAINS
IS A CRIMSON RED PANCAKE
RED WITH MAN'S OWN KETCHUP
A SIZEABLE SLICE OF HUMAN SPAM
MARINATING
IN A GALLON
OF
GOOEY MAROON JAM
A MAN
HAS BEEN REQUISITIONED
HIS
BODY HAS BEEN RECLAIMED
HE HAS
BEEN COMMANDEERED
FOR AN
ODIOUS AND UNTOWARD PURPOSE
HE HAS
BEEN POACHED
FROM
THE COMFORT AND SECURITY OF CIVILIZATION
AND RE-ENGINEERED
TO FUNCTION
AS A
FLAME COLOURED GENERATOR OF NON-HUMANE LIFE
YET
MAN LIVES ON IN BRASH ABUNDANCE
HE
FORMS A DENSE FESTERING PRESENCE
ON THE
EARTH'S FERTILE PERIPHERY
AN
EVER MULTIPLYING MAMMALIAN MASS
AN
ENVELOPING EXCESS OF AMINO ACIDS AND FLESH
MINUS
ONE BUMBLING INCUMBENT
RENDERED
INSIGNIFICANT IN THE VERTICAL DEPARTMENT
COURTESY
OF A RAGING IVORY ARMED ERIPHUNT
A MAN
HAS BEEN DISPOSED OF
HE HAS
BEEN TRODDEN ON TRAMPLED AND SQUASHED
HE HAS
BEEN DENIED THE OPPORTUNITY
OF
CONTINUED EXISTENCE
HE HAS
SEEN THE DARK SIDE OF THE MUNCHER
AND
WILL NEVER SEE THE LIGHT AGAIN
WHAT
WAS ONCE A VIBRANT PINK HUMANOID
HAS
BEEN REPOSSESSED RIPPED APART AND REDISTRIBUTED
HIS
COMPONENTS WILL BE UTILIZED CONSUMED AND RECYCLED
WITHOUT
COMPUNCTION CONCERN OR REMORSE
HIS
PROTEIN AND FAT WILL FEED CARNIVORE AND CAT
HIS
ELEMENTS WILL BE EXCRETED
NOURISHING
THE GREEDY GREEN PARASITES
THAT
VIOLATE THE DEEP RICH MANTLE
AND
STRAIN TO CARESS THE SLOWLY CIRCLING SUN
FUSION
FABRICATED FOLIAGE WILL FLOURISH
DRIVEN
BY A BY A DAWN TO DUSK DRENCHING
OF
LIFE SUSTAINING QUANTA
FURNISHING
THE SAVANNAH WITH A RICH FIBROUS FUEL
FOR
THE COUNTLESS SPECIES OF HERBIVORE
THAT
GARNISH AND GRAZE THE LAND
EPHELUMP
AFTERLIFE
A
FABULOUS FANTASY DREAMWORLD
WHERE HEPHALUMPS
WANDER
WARM
AND CONTENT
BENEATH
A PERMANENT PINK PYRE
HAEMOGLOBIN
CLOUDS
RAIN
ICE WHITE PEPPERMINT PEBBLES
AN
INFINITY OF TREES
PRODUCE
UNLIMITED QUANTITIES
OF
DATES TANGERINES
AND
FLUFFY PLUMP LUMPS
OF
GUMMY MARSHMALLOW
A
YUMMY TUMMY FILLER
FOR A
HUNGRY CEREAL KILLER
VAST
SWATHS OF DULL BLUE WHEAT
RUSTLE
IN A DELICATE INTERMITTENT BREEZE
HUGE
STANDS OF LUSH GREEN SUGAR CANE
WAIT
TO BE CRUNCHED AND MUNCHED
GIANT
MERINGUES FULL OF STICKY BEIGE CREAM
AND
SUCCULENT MORELLO CHERRIES
APPEAR
AS IF BY MAGIC
AS DO
GOBSTOPPERS AND DONUTS
THE
SIZE OF COCONUTS
ALL
THE WHILE, THE REASSURING RUMBLE
OF
PACHYDERMS, PUNCTURE AND PUNCTUATE
THEIR
TIMELESS TRANQUIL PARADISE
SOUL OF THE WHALE
SLIPPING AND SLIDING THE
VISCOUS RIPPLING ETHER
GLIDING FROM ONE LIVING LIQUID CONTINENT TO ANOTHER
A WORLD OF WAVES, WIND, WEIGHTLESSNESS AND WAITING
WAITING TO BE BORN, WAITING TO LIVE, WAITING TO SING
WAITING TO SING THE SONGS THAT RAGED THROUGH THE OCEANS
COUNTLESS MILLENNIA BEFORE MAN ARRIVED
THE SONGS THAT FEED, THE SONGS THAT FEEL
THE SONGS THAT REVERBERATE EVERY LAST DROP
OF EARTH'S IMMENSE OCEANS
THE SONGS THAT BURN THROUGH THE SOUL
OF EVERY LIVING LEVIATHAN
While writing about the giant sequoia for grow your own house, it
occurred to me that trees are anodes that absorb photons from the sun, making
the sun a cathode. This resulted in me writing The Big Tree, mostly on the 26th
of July.
THE BIG TREE
GIANT UNMOVING ANODES
IMMUNE TO GRAVITY, IMMUNE TO TIME
GODS THAT THRIVE FOR A THOUSAND YEARS
OLD WHEN THE MAMMOTH BECAME EXTINCT
OLDER STILL WHEN MAN INVADED ITS TERRITORY
THEY WATCHED HIM EXTERMINATE THE BUFFALO
THEY WATCHED HIM EXTERMINATE EACH OTHER
THEY WATCHED HIM DESECRATE THE LAND
WITH COUNTLESS CHEMICALS AND COMPOUNDS
THEY WATCHED THE CITIES BEING BUILT
THEY WATCHED HIM SHOOT IMMENSE METAL BULLETS
SCREAMING TOWARD THE STARS
THREE
DIMENSIONAL CHESS
I
had the original idea many years ago, but other projects and my health
conspired to stop me developing it. The basic idea was that 3 dimensional chess
could only be as good as classic 2 dimensional chess, if its parameters
were taken into a 3 dimensional format. That is, you would need about
the same number of pieces, with about the same range of powers, and the same
number of squares. This does in fact indicate only one really
plausible grid. If there was a 2 X 2 grid in front of each player, this clearly
would not seem enough, even to a human brain. If the grid was 3 X 3, it would
still seem a bit constrained, but a 4 X 4 grid would result in 80 squares, and
that's with just one square between opposing pieces. But if you had a grid 3
tall and 4 wide, this should seem sufficient. If the matrix was 5 long, this
would give 60 squares, which is 4 less than old style chess. As a gap of just 1
square is too close, a grid of 3 X 4 X 6 could be used, which would give 72 squares,
which is just 8 more squares than in conventional chess.
THE
MOVES
If you transfer the moves of 2D chess into 3 dimensions,
the pieces would be able to move in more directions, but would not be able to
get to as many squares. A rook for example would be able to move in 6
directions, which is a 50% increase, but it would only be able to get to 10
squares in one move at most, as opposed to 14 in conventional chess. It would
also need up to 3 moves to get to any other square, as opposed to 2 in conventional
chess. Maybe it could be allowed to do a 90° turn during one move, but only in
a vertical plane, and with taking when such a move is executed not allowed.
A piece that could make any of 8 moves through the
corners is an obvious possibility. This is the same number of directions that
an old style queen can move in, but as it would only be able to get I to 12
squares it may not be necessary to restrict it to moving 1 square at a time.
One problem with such a piece would be that It would be able to threaten four
pieces on the 5th or 6th layers simultaneously, if it got to one of the middle
squares on the 3rd or 4th layer. In some ways such a piece would be like a
knight, only it would never be able to get to more than about a quarter of the
squares on the board, which would not be a lot of use.
In 3 dimensional chess a bishop would be able to move
in 12 directions, which is an addition of 8, and would result in it being able
to threaten so many pieces after moving that it would ruin the game. The solution
could be to allow it to move like a 2D bishop horizontally, and allow it to
move vertically like a rook. A cute way to restrict it to moving in 4
directions, and still have access to all of the layers, would be to allow what
I call internal moves. By this I mean it would point in 4 directions on 1 plane
like a conventional bishop, but could be rotated 90° and left on the same
square so as to point in 4 directions on either of the other 2 planes, which
would count as 1 move. Diagonal moves would not be able to penetrate as deeply,
but this would be compensated for by the fact that the pieces would be closer.
Maybe bishops should be allowed to bounce off the sides of the board, enabling
them to strike deeper into enemy territory?
You would expect that with a 3 dimensional analogue of
conventional chess, you would end up with at least a few more squares, pieces,
and types of piece. As knights may not work well in 3 dimensions, a wider range
of bishops would probably be the solution. You could have 3 pairs of rooky
bishops, as above. One pair would move in any of 4 directions in a horizontal
plane, another pair would make edge moves in a
vertical plane in front of the players, and a pair that would move in a
vertical plane passing through the players. In addition there could be a
rotatable bishop, which, with the king, queen and 2
rooks, would give 11 pieces for the back layer. 10 pieces, with nothing in the
middle 2 squares, or the 2 squares either side, would look better, and would be
closer to the 8 of classic chess. Maybe 1 king and queen, 3 rooks, 3 rooky
bishops, and 2 rotatable bishops would be best? To prevent there from being so
many pieces that move and take like rooks, the bishops could be allowed to make
such moves to get from layer to layer, but not be allowed to take in these
directions. As it would be so much harder to get a row of face moving pieces,
bishops taking rook fashion may prove to be better.
Being the most powerful piece on the board, the queen
would be the hardest one to get right, and what may look like the best solution
may cause problems in practice. Being able to move in 18 directions is
obviously not on, but a small increase in the number of directions it could
move may be a good idea. Maybe it could be like a 2D queen, but with the
additional ability to move up and down like a rook. But this would leave it
with a severe inability to reach squares on the same vertical layer as itself.
But if it could move in a vertical plane like a queen, and backwards and
forwards like a rook,
it would have only 1 direction of threat to the squares and pieces ahead and
behind. The obvious solution would be to allow it to move
like a conventional queen in anyone of three planes. That is, it could be allowed to
make an internal move, as suggested for the bishop.
The
king could be allowed to move any 1 square in the vertical layer it resides, or
make one face move backwards or forwards. This would be 2 more than in 2D
chess, which would make mating harder. This would be better than making it
easier, or the games would not last very long. Castling would probably not be a
good idea, but if it was retained it would have to take the form of allowing
the king to move from corner to corner, if there was nothing in either of the middle
squares.
Clearly it would not be a good idea to allow pawns to move 2 squares forward on their first move, which would also do away with the strange move known as en passant. As there would be more pawns, and they could get to the opposite end in 4 moves, it may not be a good idea to allow queening, but allowing pawns to be made at least a bit more powerful would probably work well. Maybe they could be allowed to move either backwards or forwards. Alternatively they could be made into rooks, but only be allowed to move 1 square at a time. There would have to be restrictions on the directions they were allowed to take in, as 12 would be far too high.
If
the second layer was filled with pawns there would be 12, which is 4 more than
in conventional chess. But it may leave players vulnerable not to have
something in the middle 2 squares, so 2 slightly more powerful pieces could be
put there. Maybe they could be allowed to move backwards, or be like rooks, but
restricted to moving 1 square at a time? I quite like the idea of 'entangling'
them, wherein if one was taken, the player would have the option of taking the
piece that had taken it, irrespective of its position on the board. This could
be restricted to allowing it to take the piece only if it was a pawn, or other
specific piece or pieces. It could also be restricted to only being allowed to
take it if it was on the same or second layer, and only on the next move.
THE BOARD
A
simple futuristic board could be fashioned by bending a clear piece
of thermoplastic 180°, in two places, around a heated pipe. Visibility and access
could be improved by leaving a longer space between the playing squares and the
curved sections. Visibility could also be improved by having half the squares
marked in some way, instead of having them black, which could be achieved by
stamping the board between hot embossed plates before bending it.
Alternatively, you could apply three pieces of thin clear plastic with a dozen
holes apiece to the layers, or apply 36 clear piece of plastic. Another option
would be to apply 36 patches of slightly smoked varnish or resin through a
stencil. Alternatively you could use resin and a mould, which would allow
strengthening ridges to be used, reducing the volume and weight of material
needed. This would be cheaper, but I doubt it would look so good. A rod with a
hook or loop on one end could be used to make it easier to move and take pieces.
Original version © Copyright Clive Nigel Savill August 2002
This version © Copyright Clive Nigel Savill April 2003
Last revised 10th April
Three other sites by Clive Nigel Savill;
thehumanraces therealitybehindrelativity
growyourownhouse .angelcities.com
